PAUL "ROADIE" GODDARD - US TOUR DIARY - SUMMER 2006

27 September
Day off - yippee! Long drive to Atlanta though and want to do at least half today so we get on our way. Stop at Cracker Barrell for breaky, well in our world it's breaky - it's about 4ish now. After breakfast we go in the shop and there's a thing called the talking Tucan a kiddies toy that repeats what you say - hours of fun to be had here! I take it to one side and shout C#*T into it and then stand it back by the counter where Hal's paying for our grub. All you can hear across the whole shop is this Tucan shouting C#*T, C#*T, C#*T. It is too much for Sam, Martin and I and we run outside pissing ourselves. We drive for quite a while, so we don't have to drive for long tomorrow. At about 9.30ish we stop at a shop and get some supplies - beer and munch so Sam can cook up. We pull over at a truck stop and get dinner on over a few bottles of Becks, have a nice munch and all sit down to a few games of cards. We play a game called Shit Head, where there's no winner, just a loser. We used to play it for forfeits when we were kids like eating cat food, but obviously we've all matured since then and wouldn't dream of doing things like that now. Now we do it for shotguns of beer. We all smoke a nice joint after, crash about 3ish.



26 September

Wake up at 1ish and go into Rik's house. He's gone to work, but Ernie's still cutting some zzz's on the couch and Player's fast asleep in Rik's bed - sneaky fucker! Everyone gets up and we jump in the bus and get on the way to Eric's apartment to grab showers and generally sort ourselves out. When we get there Eric's wife Jen has made these little cake things that look like ice creams, they're fucking great, so we all get stuck in. I find out that like me Jen has a sense of humour like a 12 year old boy and does an uncanny impression of Beavis, so we get on well. To be fair the cake's were enough to win me over anyway. I give Ernie a hand making fishing pole rests from PVC pipe, so he can push them into the sand to hold his rod, so that his chosen sport doesn't interfere with his beer drinking. A man after my own heart. He hooks me up with some fish and chips as a reward for my craftmanship. Like i said a man after my own heart. Don't want to leave, but we must be on our way to Virgina Beach, so off we go. Get there about 9 and the promoter has phoned and said the show is cancelled and is generally being a fucking dick. But we play in the endand meet a friend of the boys called Devin. We go back to his house where we meet his house mate Garrett. Both sound lads. We chill out, watch a DVD and have a nice smoke and crash about 3 or 4.

25 September

Get up about 11ish - driven by hunger like normal. Go get a great pork and stuffing roll from down the street and discuss last nights trials and tribulations with Sam and Martin. Martin doesn't know what inspired him to get on the roof of the bus in his underpants and neither do we. Sid turns up again, eventually and we're off on the way to Ocean City. We stop and get an oil change on the way and some munch of course. Get there about 6ish and meet Eric, the boys mate who tourend with them before. He's in a band called The Frauds who are also playing at the Sand Bar with them tonight. We go inside and meet Ernie, Eric's bro and the drummer. He introduces me to some of his mates and we go outside for a cheeky pipe. The boys play first, then The Frauds - they're a good band, makes a change from the normal shite bands I have to listen to. After the show me, the boys, Ernie, Steve and maybe a few others, can't really remember, go back to Richards for a smoke and to laugh our arses off watching funny movies. Everyone crashes apart from me, Ernie and his dog Player. So we have one more rum and coke - me and Ernie that is, not Player, then I'm done. Crash about 6ish.



24 September

Wake up about 12ish with the sweet smell of boff in the air - nice!! Sammy's had an accident. Martin, Sam and I all go for a wonder down the street and find a nice little cafe on the corner and have breaky. After that, we all go back to the bus to chill for a while. Hal surfaces at about 5 - he looks really healthy today. Hal, Sid and I go and have a walk around town and end up in ana Irish bar where we have some food. Hal has a Guinness, Sid has a Boddingtons and I spot Strongbow - great!!! Load the stuff in the bus about 8ish and all go back to Donnie's for much needed showers. Then we all head back to the Irish bar, Kildares where copious amounts of Strongbow is consumed by me and Guinness and Jack on the boys part. Sid scuttles off yet again! Donnie and the boys mate, Ryan Dunn comes in and has a beer with us, then gives us a lift back to Rex's where we shoot some pool, have a few more beers and generally have the craic. Just at the end of the night, it's me Donnie and his girlfriend Coleen left in the bar and Sam comes in and says you have to come and see this. Martin's on the roof of the bus in his underpants with a pillow for some reason. Think he may have actually gone mad. Then he gets down and starts to chase Sam around the bus, saying he's the badger hunter - BONKERS! We get to wondering whether someone slipped something in his drink! They crash out so I phone home, then crash myself about 5 or 6ish.




23 September

I'm woken up about 10ish by the sound of loads of people round the bus talking about Jesus finding jobs fr the people - fuck knows what that's all about - delusional fools. Have they not seen where they leave? I go back to sleep and luckily they've all gone when I wake back up about 1PM. I walk down to the sea front, still can't work this place out. The beach looks nice but it's like a ghost town. Get on the road again about 2, on the way to West Chester. Stop at Cracker Barrel again, ummmmm. Hal eats quick and goes off to get an oil change. After we finish we all go and sit outside on the porch, where they have rocking chairs for sale. So we all look like 4 old men - all we're missing is pipes and some slippers. We get to Rex's about 7 and there's no one there, so we wait around for a while, then eventually load in and have a beer. We play quite late, so after the boys come off stage, the club's closing, they get everyone out so we can have an after hours drink with all the guys at Rex's. I'm stood at a table with Martin talking to Justin, the door guy when Donnie comes over (the owner) and says I have to pay my bar bill and pulls out a a tab with shit loads of lines on it and says he'll half it but he wants 65 bucks. I haven't had that many beers and say no way man and think he's joking. I say "do I have to pay if I can walk in a straight line" and he says "can you walk in a staight line with a broken leg?". Woe, sounds seious! Next thing he walks over to the merch and starts dishing out CDs and Tshirts, saying if you're not gonna pay, I'll just take this stuff. I'm like, "fuck it man, just put the stuff back, I'll pay, just put the stuff back!". Then everyone starts to piss themselves. I've been stitched up like a kipper. Savage, feel like a right tool. Justin, Cam and Donnie should change careers. Can't believe they kept a straight face through all of that - they should move to Hollywood!!! After, we're set a challenge of drinking a 96 ounce jug of beer in 20 mins between us. They say only one band have ever done it - 5 years ago. We except and drink 2 of them in 14 mins. The other bands obviously weren't English - it was a proud moment. After that everyone is battered. SId scuttled off before the second jug and Hal and Sam are swaying around and trying to fight with me. They go off to bed and Martin and I stay to have a beer with Cam, the bar dude. Martin eventually gives up and goes to bed as well. I have another beer and a shot of Jager and hit the hay too. No clue what time - 6 or 7 maybe?!?!?




22 September

Wake up in a truck stop all confused cause I think we're still in NYC, but i eventually get my bearings and spot with my beady eyes that they have Popeye's Chicken - yeah baby! Soon after we're on our way to Asbury Park, NJ. We stop at Cracker Barrel, my favourite and the boys. The waitress has rather red eyes and seems suspiciously chilled out, we all come to the conclusion that she's stoned. So we all roll up our napkins like joints, wait for her to come back to the table and pretend to smoke them!! Bet that gave her the fear the most. We all find it hilarious and have a good laugh about it before we get on our way. We get to the club called Deep about 7, seems to be in the middle of a building site. The club itself is quite a cool place, right on the the sea front, but the area is a right shit hole - derelict buildings everywhere - looks like there's been a nuclear bomb go off or something. A friend of the boys (Lazslo) turns up and comes bearing gifts - 6 bottles of Bass and a bottle of Jager - he must be reading our minds. We drink all that before the boys go on stage. I start to speak to a guy, I don't remember his name but he says he has a pipe so we go and smoke on the beach. I predictably get the munchies like a mother fucker and I go back to the bus. Sid and Sam have beaten me to it and are cooking up a Chef Boyardee treat. We also have a great laughat some snakcs called Cheese Nips and Cheese Whiz. What were they thinking? Load the shit in and crash.

21 September

Get up early again, got to be in NYC by 6 - quite an important gig. Go into the kitchen and there's loads of great bagels on the table. So a quick munch on one of those, say our good byes to Curtice and Susanna and we're off. Get to the gig at Pianos on time, load the stuff in and I see Brian, the boys manager walking up the street - good to see him. He's carrying a box of the boys album, cause they've sold out due to popular demand!! We all have a well earned beer or four. The boys play, more beer and a quick stroll around the corner to an Italian festival where they close the streets off and have loads of stores n stuff - I forget the name, but Brian grew up in NYC and siad he sued to go there as a kid and wants to show us. We all pile into a pizza shop, grab a couple of pizzas and sit down for a munch. Two guys that work there are arguing like crazy behind the counter, making pizza - one with a fag in his mouth - I'm sure that goes against health and safety laws. After, I'm stuffed and can't be arsed to go back for more beer, so I go in the RV for a kip. About an hour later, when I'm nicely asleep Sid comes in the bus with some bird making a noise and waking me up. They leave eventually then I go back to sleep. A while later a bird walks in again and says "are you asleep?"
- "what the fuck do you think?" i reply - think that got the message across. Then about 3.30ish the boys come in with Brian and take him to the airport so he can fly back to LA. What a great nights sleep I've had - glad I went to bed early!

NYC BABY!!!



20 September
Get up early, about 8.30ish. We've got to hit the road cause Sharms is flying out of Rochester today and it's a fair trek plus we've gotta go over the border and Sam, Sid and Martin could all have problems with paper work and other selected shite. I fall back to sleep as soon as we're on the way. Go through the border okay, had a well chilled out US customs guy - they're right anal dickheads normally. Get to the gig at the Bug Jar about 6 load the stuff in, fix some bits and bobs on the bus and clean the fidge out for a second time - smells like death! Sid, Martin and I shoot some pool, then the boys sound check so Martin and I get stuck into the Newcastle Brown Ale. The boys play and by the time they come off me and Martin are well and truly shit faced and no help loading at all. Martin's got this drunk dance that he's pulled out the bag and is shuffling round the bar going whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, one at a time, saying he's been having a chat with Mr Jager - priceless. We all pile on the bus with some guy called Bobby, who pulls out a pipe, gives us all a blast and sits there chuckling and not leaving when we really need to be on our way. Eventually he goes and we're off back to a couple of friends of the boys house - Susanne and Curtice's. They have a great selection of drinks and I'm told to help my self - I grab a JD and coke and we all have a chat on the front porch. Curtice mentions he has a little smoking room upstairs and suggests we should try it out - I agree, so we go upstairs and smoke some pipes and chew the fat. After, I'm knackered and Curtice and Susanne have kindly made up beds for us all. Sam and I go to sleep in the basement, but Sam gets there before me. When I get into bed he's kinda chuckling, I dismiss it as stonedness and get into bed, strecth my arms out and "ARGHHH, what the fuck's that?" - Sam is pissing him self by this point - he's put candles underneath my pillows - bloody child! Then of course, that's it, set's us both off, another night of not being able to sleep for time because we're both having laughter fits.

19 September
Me and Martin wake up at the same time, about 12.30 but the boys and Shamrs are still dead to the world, so Martin and I go for a wonder around. Find a nice place to sit down and get a coffee and a caning wrap. After we go back to the bus and they're all up. Sam, Martin and I go look round some shops and stuff - seems like quite a cool part of town. Then I see Schwarts, a smoked meat place that Samir (Sid's cousin) told us to go to last night. I get a sandwich, it's about 3 inches thick and fucking rocks - some sound advice there. After, the boys are hungry so we go and have some noodles - i know, I'm a fat cunt!!! We're a bit stuck for something to do after that, so we do what any self respecting Englishman would do and go to the pub. Low and behold Hal and Sharms are sat at the bar - talk about great minds. Have a few bottles of Becks and a chat. Sid turns up and we're off to his grandma's house, where his mum is cooking up a Lebanese feast. We all pile in and meet the family and are seated and passed Stella, that well known Lebanese beverage. After that tray upon tray upon plate of beautiful food is placed on the table - all of our eyes light up and we dig in. Just before we leave a couple of us go down stairs cause Sid's mum says she needs a hand. We go down and there's a shop on the corner of the block and I reckon she's bought at least half of it. Loads of great food, juice and lots of well handy stuff - you name it - what a sweet heart. After, we all go back to Sid's cousins condo where we all get very, very, very, very, very, very needed showers and do the same amount of very's needed laundry. I crash on the couch about 4.

18 September

I'm woken by hunger as per normal at about 11.30. Hal and Sharms turn up, they stayed at a motel last night and we walk over to the cafe, but don't have time for breaky, so we grab a Subway and go and break down the stuff in the Bovine from last night. Boy it smells like death in there and I nearly see my Subway again. We say our good byes to Darryl and Jill and all the guys at the Shanghai Cowgirl all so well, as they do every time and we're on the road again to Montreal. Get to Cafe Campus about 8.30, meet up with Sid - he got a lift there with his buddies cause this is his home town. We go back stage and there's two bottles of Jack waiting for us, so we get stuck in, then go out the front to have a few beers. The boys play a great show, the place is rammed and they get a great response. Pack the stuff away after and go to a club that Sid's mate ahs opened just for us. Only have one beer and a shot cause I'm knackered. Go back to the bus and Sam, Sharm's and I go for a smoke, then crash - big time tired!

17 September

Wake up in the bus right outside the Bovine about lunch time. We all wonder half asleep into the Shanghai Cowgirl an d order breakfast. They tell us that they've got Heinz Baked Beans especially for us - great! Then they bring over the HP Sauce!!! Yes, breakfast fit for a King! We've got the day free today, so Hal and Sharms go there way and Sam, Sid and I go ours. We go and look around a market, have a bit of a butchers round, then I spot an Irish bar! Bingo! We all go in and they have Strongbow! YES! We're all sat there having a beer and a chat when I spot Martin, our mate from home walk by. We're supposed to be meeting him tonight. We shout at him and he comes into the bar and a quick a beer turns into four. After we get some food back at the Shanghai Cowgirl, which Darryl, the owner of the Bovine and the Cowgirl very kindly buys for us. Soon enough day becomes night and we're all in the Bovine suppin' ale, doing Jager shots and havin' a laugh again. Meet loads of people that I met last time, so good to see them all again. The boys start to play so I go to the front. After a while Hal parts the crowd and lovingly spits beer at me - how nice! So I go buy a pint and return the favour twice. Next thing Sam breaks a string, so Hal starts to mess about playing AC DC, gets our mate Pierre up on stage to sing Highway to Hell - voice of an angel that lad!! Funny as fuck!! Great night had by all. Bed, god knows when.



16 September

Wake up in the truck stop about lunch time, go and have a bit of a wash and stuff and we're on the road again to Toronto. We get to the Bovine Sex Club at about 7, go into the Shanghai Cowgirl and have something to eat, then the drinking starts again. I've been in there about 5 mins when the Jager starts to flow! I'm stood at the bar with Hal and Sharms, when a girl singer comes and stands in fornt of me, Hal grasps this opportunity to slap her on the arse and look away. Of course he's stood there with his girl friend, so it looks like me. This happens two more times and on the fourth time she slaps me - great, I must just have that kind of face where I get blamed for everything - it's like school all over!! Go and get a caning burger after the show, next door at the Shanghai Cowgirl again at about 3.30 / 4ish. Then smoke a nice cheeky little reefer and we all try and sleep, but Sam and I are fucking wetting ourselves again - think there's a pattern emerging here!!! Sleep about 5 or 6.

15 September

Wake up not feeling particularly special today if I'm honest. Catching up with me a bit. Hal starts driving. We stop at a gas station and I go anbd get an orange juice and some head ache pills, which make me feel much better. After, we stop at Cracker Barrel, which make me feel even better still. Then it's on the way to Toledo ariport to pick up Sharmita - Hal's better half, who's staying with us for a few days. We get to the gig at Howard's in Bowling Green about 6. Go have a quick beer and something to eat, then load the stuff in. We're not on until 12.30 so we have a fair bit of time to kill. Hal plays me a very funny version of Jingle Bells - made up of noises of bodily functions - great. We've not been at the bar long and an older guy starts to chat to us, opens up a card board box on the bar and gives us a bud out of it. We must just attract them. AFter we go to another bar with Brock, the promoter and Heather for a Jamesons and a beer, then it's back to the club to play. We decide afterwards that we are gonna go over the border to Canada tonight, so we have to get rid of the weed. So i roll a booning reefer, which we all happily get rid of and go back into the club grinning like Cheshire cats. Pack the stuff up and get on the road. We stop about half an hour before the border at Denny's. I have a thing called the Ultimate Bowl, everything you could think of covered in cheese with 3 pancakes - boy, that's the stuff. Get stopped at the border and have to briefly go into immigration, but everything is fine. We get over the border and stop at the first truck stop we see and go to sleep at about 5.30 / 6ish.

14 September
I'm woken up by Sam quite early and we go across the street and have breakfast. I have steak and eggs - good start to any day. We drive out of Chicago, on the way to the Lager House in Detroit. We stop after a while - I think poor Sam might be wilting. I spot BK and get a burger. Hal starts to drive and about 10 minutes later he spots a Cracker Barrel, so he pulls in. I haven't tried one yet so I go in as well and have veggie soup. I walk out stuffed, lay in the bus and go to sleep. Wake up being vibrated to death - we must be in Detroit - the roads are the shittest ever. Get to the gig at 9.30ish. Go inside - we all look like death so the sound guy, Adam buys us all a PBR - shit beer never tasted so good. Sid and Sam go and do some tag team poopin' - there's no lock on the door, so one has to hold it while the other one takes care of business - NICE!!! Get on stage about 12ish - good gig - they've got it nailed now. After they play i pop out back with Adam, Jay the door guy and a few other lads for a cheeky smoke. Makes packing the gear up a much more amusing experience. The bar is closed but a guy comes in looking for a 6 pack to take away. Adam says he'll swap it for a bud - seems like a fair deal, so we have another joint, a few more beers and a lovely wee drop of Jamesons. When there's another tapping at the door. Would you believe it, some other guy fancies a smoke. After, we all go and crash in the bus about 4 or 5 - not sure - getting light though. All giggling like school girls.

13 September
Wake up at lunch time, go in the house and grab a quick shower and make everyone smoothies. Seriously need to do laundry but haven't got time cause we have to be in Chicago at the Double Door by 5 to sound check. Bugger, getting critical now, down to my last pair of pants. Get to the gig on time and load the stuff in and onto the stage. Seems quite a cool place again, get issued with drinks tickets and passes and go grab some munch at a cafe called Ear Wax across the street. Then go back to the Double Door and shoot some pool. The boys play a great set, one of the best I've seen them do. Sid's Dad turns up to the show with one of his mates, Byron and it's his birthday. He gets us all absolutely shit faced beyond belief. Jager bombs, whisky, Vodka, you name it. Bed about 3 or 4.

12 September
Wake up 12ish. Hal and Corey are having a coffee and setting the world to rights in the lounge. I get a coffee and join them. Joey is still fast asleep on the couch, apparently he's nocturnal. Hal jumps in the shower, so Corey and I take the hounds for a walk, just down the road to a wooded area, with a creek and stuff - pretty cool place. Then we go and meet up with Sid and Sam at the Pizza place. Corey sorts us out with great pizza yet again - we all stuff our selves - that fooking rocked, what a star. We all woddle out into the street and say our goodbyes to Corey and hit the road on the way to Champaign, IL. Get to the Cowboy Monkey about 8, set the stuff up right away and sound check. After, we go round the corner to another bar to get some food. I try a cider called Woodchuck, very sweet, not for me! Then it's back to the gig, where I spot Strongbow in bottles in the fridge and we have an open bar, so I sample a few of 'em, while the boys set about their own favourite tipples. We all indulge in a few shots of Jack. After the show we go back to Mary's, a friend of the boys. She's a yoga teacher so we all drunkely and unsuccessfully try a hand at Yoga - waste of time that was. Sam and Sid spot a piano and are fucking around playing some duet. I shoot off to sleep in the bus on my own about 5ish.



11 September
Hal comes into Bill's about midday and wakes Sam and I up. That was a great sleep, I needed that. He says he's going off to get the tyre on the bus sorted, so while Sam jumps in the shower, I remember that JP had given me a rib eye steak, so I cook it up for breaky with some wedges and a fried onion. Sam had some as well, what a start to the day!!! Soon enough we're on the road again, on the way to Columbia, MO. We get there about 7 and pull up outside the Eastside Tavern. Load our stuff straight onto the stage as we're on first, which saves a lot of messing about later. We pull up a seat at the bar and reward our hard work with a beer - ah!!! Corey, a friend of the boys turns up and has a beer with us. He manages a pizza shop round the corner and takes us for great pizza and a few beers, then it's back to the club to play. Corey plays after the boys. He's in a two piece band called Megazilla, he plays an eight string bass and has a cave man on the drums called Joey. After we all go back to Corey's and meet his two dogs. Hal's been telling me about them for ages. They're called Tucker and Bella. Tucker goes beserk when he gets his ears rubbed and starts howling and shaking his leg - brilliantly funny! They're Coon Hounds and both slobber like crazy, but Tucker more so. I don't know where it all comes from, he must drink like 5 gallons of water a day to produce it all. Hal and Corey go off to bed about 4 (seperately i hasten to add, but me and Joey stay up until 7 having a well funny chat. Sid and Sam are lost in action again. I briefly meet Corey's wife Katy. I'm going to bed just as she's getting up for class. Crashed out in the spare room.

Cave Man Joey Drummer & Tucker and Bella



10 September
I'm woken up way too early by Sam, about 11ish. We all have showers and get in the bus, ready to go and find breaky. But then we spot one of the tyres is bald again - bloody things! So we decide to cancel the gig tonight in Indianapolis and stay here, so we can sort the tyre out tomorrow morning. Boy it's nice to have a day off. We all walk downtown and have some Thai food - really good. Then we go and lay underneath an Oak tree in the park. I get an attack of karma. Me being me, can't sit still and begin to chuck acorns and stuff at Sam. Then when I've just settled and I'm led still, two massive acorns fall on me. Sam finds this great, which I'm sure I would have to. We walk to a supermarket after that and get munchies for tonight. JP who we met in Salt Lake gave us a big slab of meat, so Hal with some help from the boys cooks up an absolute treat of a roast, while Bill, Katie and I go for a beer or three at the Free State Brewery and a lovely wee drop of Jamesons. It's ready when we get back. After we're all stuffed and sit around like a snake that just ate a deer, smoking pipes and we also have some special cookies that make Sam and I have severe laughter fits while we're trying to sleep at about 3.

9 September
I'm not feeling the best if I'm honest!! Feel the bus come to a stop about 12.30, we've already been on the move since 7 or 8. Out of my one good eye, I can see Subway - yes, breakfast! Go have that and feel a lot better. Get to the gig in Lawrence, Kansas at Ten. The longest drive in the world. We' could have gone to Scotland and back in that time, from home! Go into the Bottleneck and take full advantage of the free beer situation. We're on pretty soon, great show yet again, I don't know how these battered individuals before me keep on pulling it off. A few more beers and shots after and we hear that there's a party at Nick and Megan's, so off we go. They've had a BBQ before we get there and there is some food left. All 4 of us blaze through the kitchen like a Dyson and very soon there's bugger all left. Have a few shots of local Kansas vodka with Nick, Sam and Sid, then we all go back to Bill's house with Anthony, a guy who lives in the same apartment block. A few more beers and a few cheeky pipes and we're all well and truly done. I phone Susie, then crash on the sofa about 6.30.

8 September
Great nights sleep, wake up brand new. Sid met someone last night, who wants to endorse him for his drums, so we give him a call to meet up for lunch. We meet at some cool cabin cafe. His name is Tony and he seems very passionate about the drums and buys us all lunch, which is a fair one. After that, we all go take a look in the hat shop, so I can get a cowboy hat. A real cool lady in there measures all our heads with a crazy contraption from 18th Century Paris. She says Hal has the biggest head, but we all new that anyway!!! After that it's about 2, still raining and we're kinda stuck for something to do so we go to the bar. Cause we have VIP passes, they say we get beer for free - great! Sam only has one and says I think I'm gonna drive tonight cause it's a stupidly long drive tomorrow, so he wants to try and kill a couple of hours tonight. About half an hour later he's pouring Screw Drivers down his neck - look like we're getting up early! Stay there all day until about 9, then we have to go unload our stuff at a school where we're playing at about 10. Set up our stuff on stage and realise it's a school prom - fucked up - no bar!!! Luckily we have a few beers in the fridge on the bus and when the boys go on stage they're still drinking em. Great show, about 300 to 400 people, lots of 16 year old blond girls going crazy. We get in so much trouble for driniking on stage and Hal possibly saying a few rude words. But he smoothes the whole mess over by saying "I'm sorry, In England we're aloud to drink in school". Silver tongued charmer. They buy it and we're off the hook. Back to the Park Bar with Shannon, Rob and Stephanie till about 2 and then much needed sleep.



7 September
I'm woken up about 10ish by Shannon saying "hey Paul, you want Champagne?" - "YES! YES I DO!" The perfect start to any day. By about 11.30, 12ish, we've gone through several bottles and am just as rip rawlingly pissed as I was when I went to bed. To be fair though, 3 hours sleep isn't a great deal of help to anyone. I have a shower and about 2 we all walk down to their local Indian restaurant, about 4 blocks away. I'm not really that hungry but they have a buffet and I manage to squeeze down a couple of plate fulls, desert and a bottle of King Fisher. On the way back to Rob and Shannon's Stephanie and I go on some swings - loads of fun - haven't been on them for years. But on the down side it does nearly make me puke. When we get back I have a bit of a siesta and before I know it, we're on the road again right through the mountains up to Fairplay for the South Park Music Festival. Get there about 9, I can hardly breathe, the airs so thin because of the altitude. It's also pissing it down, loads of fun!!! Load the stuff into a real old school hotel with loads of Stag and other assorted stuffed animals head on the walls. The whole place is buzzing - really cool vibe! Born in the Flood play before us, a great band that I've met before. Then it's us, great show, loads of energy, the boys must be fucked, I can't breathe standing still. A few beers and shots after and an early night. I'm still full up from last night and this morning. Crash about 2.

6 September
Open my eyes, I'm so thirsty it's unreal. Got a mouth like Ghandi's flip flop. Look out the window and I can see big vats. It's the New Belgium Brewery - brilliant! We all go on a free tour and tuck into five different beers for breaky. They have a slide you can go down in the brewery - madness!!! Hal goes down before me and all you can here is a screeching sound, ooh, that's gonna leave a mark! Sure enough, he's got a burn on one side of his arse, which mirrors the one on the other side which he got in Vegas - GREAT! Come out of there and a guy comes flying around the corner on his push bike and he goes straight over the bonnet of a car, coming out of the car park, fuckin' crazy!!! Didn't hurt him self, think it was his fault. Shouldn't be funny I know, but it so was!!! I'm going straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect 200 pounds, you're going straight to hell!!! Go get a Carls Junior, then realise we're right by the Bud Brewery, so go do that tour as well. Shit beer, but free and good crack all the same. Then on our way to Denver, only about an hour away, so that's cool. Get to the Three Kings Tavern, seems like a cool place. Great back room, stacked with cold beer! Now we're talking! We get stuck in, then Rob and Shannon turn up, friends of the boys. It's Rob's birthday, so I can tell things are going to go tits up right away. We go out and stand in the bar, Sid's eyeing up this drunk girl, who's prancing around like she's in Spearmint Rhino. Next thing we see him dissappear into the green room with her, how we laugh but the best is yet to come. Five minutes later Rob and a few of his mates go to go in there. The look on his face is classic, let's just say Sid was caught in a comprimising situation. Then Hal grabs my camera, open the door and takes a pic. I can feel an immense piss take coming on. The boys play another good show, then it's back to Rob and Shannon's for munchies and lots of drinks. They have a bar in their basement - how sweet is that. Meet loads of cool people and generally have a fuckin' great night drinking Tequila Sunrises until the sun actually did rise. Crash on the sofa about 7.




5 September
Fuckin' bus full of bastard flies. Waking me up the earliest. Soon as i try to sleep one lands on me, nearly given my self brain damage trying to swat them on my head. Long drive again to Ft. Collins, Colorado today, so we get going. I try and snooze again, but it's not really happening, so I stick The Who on and look at scenerey. Doesn't seem to take that long and we're in Cheyenne where we stop at a wrangler store and I buy some cowboy boots and a Jack Daniels belt - Strength! An hour or so later and we're at the club, the Surfside 7. Great Pizza, a couple of pitchers of Fat Tire and we go next door to another bar cause Sid wants to watch summit on TV. Buy another pitcher of Fat Tire, the bar man there's really cool and gives us all 2 free shots - fairplay! Go back next door and play, really small venue, but good show anyway. Pack the stuff away and go find somewhere to park the bus and sleep. Find a housing development site and park it up and sleep about 3. Suddenly, I'm rudely awoken with a flash light in my face, coming through the front window and a loud banging on the door. My reaction is maybe if I lie still, they'll go away. Then I relaise this isn't going to happen, put my jeans on, go oustide, it's security saying they've had a lot of problems with theft. They ask me what I'm doing here and I say well I was asleep... they say we can't stay there, so we drive around the corner and park up and go back to sleep about 4.30.

4 September
Led in bed and I'm woken by a sniffing sound, it's Ernie at the door, so I get up and say hi. Have my self some cereal, a cuppa tea, say my good byes to Megan and her son Josh and of course Ernie and we're off on the road again. Stop at a rest area to use the bathroom, just inside Utah, the boys go in in front of me but there's a que, so I just stick my arse through the door and do the loudest fart ever and then leave. Hal later tells me that everyone looked round and they were blamed - classic!! What a child I am. Get to Salt Lake City and pull up outside Burt's Tiki Lounge about 8. Have a beer and some pizza, load the shit in and wait to play. There's a load of guys at the bar doing shots, they tell me it's Steve Irwin's wake and the bar's selling a bluey, greeny shot for five bucks called the Steve Irwim - how long did that take. Good gig, went down really well, everyone digged it and bought CDs and T-shirts which helps with petrol big time. Met a guy called JP, who had a crazy tat on his belly, which said 'American Made Mother Fucker'. I took a snap of it and he wasn't shy of getting the Jacks in either - good lad. Pack the stuff up and we drive until about 4.30ish, then crash.



3 September

Wake up about 10, boy I gotta poop! Run across the street and find a record shop, they've got loads of cool stuff. By my bro a pressie, it's his Birthday soon. Get him a mug with 'Fuck Morning People' on it and Pink Floyd Dakside of the moon coasters and buy myself AC DC flip flops - YES!!! STRENGTH!!! And an AC DC mug with 'Have a Drink On Me' written on it. They sell Burritos as well, so I get a chicken one. Could this be the best shop in the world ever!!! Hal wakes up and I show him my purchases, then Sid and Sam role up with Megan. They stayed at hers last night. We all get ready and drive the bus round to hers, where we get showers and have breaky. Meet Megan's dog Ernie, Doberman and Boxer cross - wicked dog, gonna try and steal him to be our mascot. After a while we go to the shops and get beer and munch. Hal makes some wicked burgers, with blue cheese and peppers filled with Cream Cheese and wrapped in Bacon - lush! Robin and Will turn up, they come bearing gifts of Salad and Peach and Raspberry crumble - both of which are fantastic. Fire up the barby and have a great chilled day, havin a few beers and just chatting in the garden. Sam falls asleep on the sofa and I wake up him up with a very phalic squash. Just before I crash, Hal is on the BBC home page and it says that Steve Irwin has been killed by a Stingray - fucking savage. Thought he was taking the piss and had to read it myself. Sleep in a proper double bed for the first time in ages - heaven!

Ernie


2 September

Man I’m not feeling too special today. Wake up at 12.30 at a gas station. Been on the move since 9. Really long drive today to Boise, Idaho. I look out the window and see Burger King – yes! Go and get a bacon triple stacker, fries, onion rings and a coke – well healthy. But have a smoothie after so that’s alright. Straight back to sleep after that. Pretty much stay that way all day. Get to the Bouquet at about , beer… ahhh that’s better, the cause is the cure. Go get a slice of Pizza quickly, then back to the show. Really good gig and some bird got her tits out on stage and everything. After, I go out the back, meet some dude, asking “hey man, wanna smoke a pipe – yes, yes I do”. Strong as fook. Float out of back room into the bar, another few beers and crash in the bus about 3 or 4.



1 September
Lying in bed, pondering whether to get up, when one of Hal’s socks lands on my face – dirty fucker. So now we’re all up cause of the fuss I create! Drive a little way down the road to a food shop and go by some fruit and veggies. Get back in the bus and all have a smoothie and a nice healthy sarnie – feel much better for that. Cupppa tea and we’re on the way to Seattle – should be a good gig tonight – playing the High Dive. We played there last time I came on tour and it’s a nice place. Get to the club about 4.30 and bingo, they’ve got Stella, have a pint or two, then Hal and I go for a wonder, find an English pub – they’ve only got Strongbow! Quick pint then go back to the High Dive where we have some well nice Pitas. Then Sam and I go back to the George and Dragon for a swift three pints and Sid turns up for a quick one too. Then it’s back to the club, good band played before the guys called Transfir. By the time the boys play we’re all well pissed – managed to rack up a $120 bar bill. Tried to pack up the stuff and while I’m packing up the traps case Hal nudges me and I fall forward, but I’m so lashed I don’t even put my hands out and in slow motion I smack me nodder on the floor. Next thing, we’re outside and Sam’s talking to some guy. I go over and start to chat and realize it’s Michael Shrieve, Santana’s old drummer – I can’t believe it. I’ve got a video at home of them at Woodstock playing Soul Sacrifice. When I was a kid I used to just watch it over and over – fuckin’ great – feel like a dick, but after a while ask him for his autograph!!! Before bed I prepare myself a yummy drunken sandwich but manage to nearly slice the end of my thumb off in the process – yet another drinking injury. Sleep about 3.

31 August
Wake up about 9.30, need to piss like a race horse, Hal has the same plan, we both make a bolt for Ed’s house, but he beats me to it and leaves me dancing round the lounge – damn him! Then we have a nice cuppa, we all do our laundry and have a shower. Ed saves the day again – fair play. We stop at Circuit City on the way to Tacoma to get me a camera so I can get lots of funny shots. Get to the gig about 8, go inside, smells like the inside of an arse. Load our shit in, have a beer and get some food. The club’s called Hell’s Kitchen and after that burger I can understand why – talk about cremated!!
The boys put on a good show again, but pretty quiet. I’m completely knackered tonight and me guts are doing somersaults, just had some of the worst tasting vodka in my life and realized everything I’ve eaten for the past few days has had chilis in it. Can’t understand why my bum hole’s twitchin’. We all have a nice smoke and sit around in the bus giggling. Sam and I go outside, both take the longest pisses in the world which we also find far more amusing than it should be. Go back inside and watch a pretty trippy Radiohead DVD. Bed about 3.



30 August
I get up about 10.30, Sam’s already driving, we’re in North California now, near Lake Shasta - beautiful drive. Rugged outcrops of rock busrt out of pine covered rolling hills and snow capped mountains – an amazing part of the country – just how I imagined the States would be when I was a kid. Expecting to see Grizzly Adams walking out of the forest with Gentle Ben. Get to the club about 7.30, the Ash Street Saloon in Portland. Cool place, get food and drink tickets, have a nice chicken Cordon Bleu burger and salad washed down with a few bottle of Stella, then a spot of beer called Fat Tire that I had the other night in San Fran at the Pig and Whistle – very nice, stick to that afterwards. Then Ed turns up, a friend of the bands that I met last time I was here. The boys play a good show, went down well, we stay for a few more beers, pack up the shit and go back to Ed’s. An old friend of all of ours, Charlie from Columbia is there, we’ve not seen him for ages, so it’s good to catch up!!! Ed brings out his cheeky little pipe and we all get nicely caned. We all go back to the bus, god know what time, we all lay there for a while, but all I can hear is some sort of fuckin’ siren or something going on and on – I snap, I can’t take it anymore! Sam finds this hilarious and that starts me off, now we’re both just lying there pissing ourselves. Finally get to sleep – what time, who knows.

29 August
Get up early again, lots of shit to do today. Go round Dan’s house, it’s only 3 blocks away. He lets us all have much needed showers, he lives in a great spot – bar one side, laundry the other and bang across the street is a coffee shop and a sandwich bar – lush coffee and have a fuckin’ wicked roast beef and horse radish sandwich for breky. Then it’s mission on again. Got to get the bus Smog checked and go to the DMV and register it. Find another massive Black Widow in one of the storage bins under the bus, damn those things must be everywhere – makes me massively paranoid. Next thing we go round an old friend of Hal’s from back home who lives in San Fran now, also called Dan – what are the chances. Have a couple of beers and his wife Lydia makes us some lush food and bakes cookies – what a star!!! Then we pop down Dan’s local for a couple, an English bar called the Pig and Whistle. Nice drop of beer!! Back to Dan’s quickly and we’re on the road again. Hal drives until about 3 and I fall asleep about 1ish.

28 August
Get up early, about 8. We’re already at a tyre place, Hal’s already got up and driven there. They’ve only got two of the tyres we need and we want to replace them all, so we get those, but go to another place and get all of them replaced – fuckin’ expensive morning! While we’re getting that done, I remember my old friend lives in San Fran, I haven’t seen him in about 7 years, so I call his house in the UK to get his No. and leave a message on his answer phone.

Sid’s friend Nikki is with us at the mo, but is flying home tomorrow, so we’re gonna have a good bye drink tonight. Get to the bar about 7.30, Thee Parkside, have a few beers in the bus, then go into the club. Quiet – but it is Monday night. Next thing my old mate Dan shows up, good to see him and we all set about getting shit faced. Shots of Jack, Tequila and lots of beer, Newcie Brown. Then back on the bus for a sneaky couple of reefas. Blows my head off, makes tearing down and packing the shit away a lot more interesting that’s for sure. Then we sleep in the bus outside the club – a lot cooler here than in LA, so good nights sleep.

27 August
Open my eyes and bingo, hunger strikes as normal, spot a pack of puff wheat things and dip, that I didn’t open last night. I’m in there and urgghhhh they fuckin’ ming, so I get back into bed just in time to see Sam and Anna pull up, so I get up to go out and say hi. Then the mission starts again, well after a nice breakfast down the road. Stop and ask this lady “excuse me, is this restaurant open?”, she replies “yes, but it’s closed”, so that’ll be a no then – crazy Americans! Anyway, get back, load all the band shit and all the rest of our stuff in the RV, takes us until about 7, then we’re off for a Subway, then dessert in Starbucks and just chill out in the bus waiting for Sid, so we can get on our way, to San Fran – get on the road about 10. Few beers and then probably about 2 hours later, boom, fuck not again, yup, another blow out. We manage to get to a garage and sleep the night.

26 August
Takes a while to realize where I am, but then remember. About 12.30 go find Hal, who’s just woke up as well. Then we go back to the Dive Bar for Breakfast. Great BLT and a bottle of Becks – perfect! Not there for long though cause we have to Bakersfield to get the RV. After we’ve been driving for about 3 or 4 hours we’re in the hills, big time, amazing scenery. Not like when you get out of Vegas, apart from the mountains in the distance, it’s a very desolate, arid landscape, miles and miles of fuck all. Get to the guys house to buy the RV about 8 – father and son – nice guys. They take us to the garage to show us “something we’d appreciate”. Opens the door and there’s a lush red E Type jag and a Triumph Spitfire painted like the Union Jack – wicked! Leave there and go get some dinner. Hal and I both go for the healthy option and have a salad, but Sam decides to have the biggest open faced chili burger in the world, eats a quarter of it and runs off to the bog cause he thinks he’s gonna boff, with squeals of delight from me – how I revel in his misfortune or indeed anyones!!! We leave there and I go with Hal in the RV and Sam missions off on his own in the van. About 12ish, I’ve just fallen asleep going down the highway and BANG, we get a blow out. Bollocks! Guy turns up to fix it about 1.30 but needs a hand on putting the blown tyre back under the RV where the spare goes, so Hal and I shuffle underneath to help. Next thing Hal shines the flashlight, I’m laying on my back and about 10 inches from my face is a black widow. Fuck that, I’m out of there like a rat up a drain pipe. Finally get back on the road and we’re back to Shadow Hills about 4.30! SLEEP AT LAST!

25 August
Wake up early again, see Anna outside, getting Sam some water. How can one drink so much at night, yet be so thirsty in the morning!!! Phone Susie (my gal), miss her like crazy… then I call my local, ‘The Anchor’, in the Vale, Chan the landlords wife answers. I ask who’s there and she passes me onto my boss John “no I haven’t got any money” is his animal instinct, good lad, can’t blame him. Vegas tonight – can’t wait, but loads of shit to pack though. What a day, well busy, feel like shite. Sleep some of the way to Vegas and then still half asleep when we get to the gig at about 10.30, but have a couple of drinks and perk right up. Meet the owner of the club, The Dive Bar, Rob, he’s cool – says “ do you wanna do a shot”, don’t want to appear rude, so I agree. He hands me some red concoction called Pirates Blood. Tastes nice!!! Too nice!!! Several shots later and I’m beginning to think they’re actually quite strong!!! The boys play about 1ish, good gig, first time I’ve heard some of the songs live – go down really well. Seems no time at all and it’s 6.30 – sun shining, the lot, so me and Hal, go back to Cari’s to pass out.

24 August
Mornin’. Nice lie in today – woke up early again, but faught it and managed to wake up again about 10. Brian brought over a load of fruit last night, what a star, I was beginning to enter the realm of the unwell. So I set about making us all a banana, peach, strawberry and apple smoothine for breakfast – boy I feel so much better for that. Quick shower and I’m brand new straight out of the box. Fuck around in the pool for a while, then Brian shows up, gives us a lift to go get the hire car at Burbank airport. Then we go to Wendy’s house, cause she wants some chairs off us. Quick beer and a chat and it’s back to HQ. I drive some of the way back, it’s the first time I’ve driven left hand drive and an automatic – not as weird as I thought – still try to put the clutch down at a speed hump though, d’oh! Busy, busy. Busy - packing like crazy. Anna shows up with half a gallon of Jack, so we tuck into that, while I make a throw together tea – left over Chinese food and veggies. After, we’re all successfully shit faced, lovely J, hot tub and bed about 3ish – probably.

23 August
Wake up 8.30ish before the boys! Shock horror. Next thing Sid’s at the door, he slept in the studio last night. He’s flying to Vegas this morning, so he said his good byes and off he went. We’ll meet him there on Friday. Hal and I just had the most childish fun in the world. Posted an ad on an online sales site in the free section for used toilet paper. It read “free used toilet paper, one careful owner from new, used only once, well taken care of via high fiber diet, one wipe wonder. Price new - $2.99. Good for another 2 or 3 wipes with careful folding. Serious offers only”. Then we got a piece of bog roll and put Vegemite on it, took a picture of it and put that up there as well – Genius!! After that we were all hungry bizarrely!! And walked to the Café but it’s shit so we go and have Chinese food instead – very nice. Get some beers and walk back – right mission. But we’re rewarded by jumping in the pool. Spend a lot of the rest of the day sorting out T-shirts for the tour along to Led Zep – it eased the pain. Brian (the boys manager comes over for a few beers, while we were sat there Seth called (Linda Perry’s studio manager) to tell us that he’d mastered the mixes of the new songs. So at about 10.30 we all shoot off to the studio for a listen. Sounds great and fuck, what a studio. Gym, Spa, Kitchen, massive live room, filled with fuck knows how many guitars and a 9 foot grand piano, pictures of legends everywhere, signed Led Zep sheet music – amazing! Back to HQ, bed about 1.30 – knackered again.

22 August
Wake up, like 7.30. Beautiful morning. Hal’s still cutting some Zzzzz’s. So I go outside, have myself some oats and a cheese and onion roll. Smuggly look over the mountains and imagine it pissin’ down at home – how I chuckle to myself. Then boredom kicks in and I decide to get on the exercise bike, do 12 mins and in the Californian heat, looks like I’ve just got out the shower – sweating like a dyslexic on Countdown (how Ironic that dyslexic is such a hard word to spell). Then it’s out to Starbucks for coffee, take Hal’s hire car back and pick up Sam, you dirty little stop out. Spent the rest of the day just chilling around the pool while the boys rehearse.

Hal in his infinite wisdom tells me it’s a 15 min walk to the liquor store, so off I trot in the baking sun to go get some beers – 24 bottles of Becks to be precise. ONE HOUR AND TEN PISSING MINUTES it took me and my arms are about a foot longer - but boy did they taste good when I got back. Young Samuel set about making us all a lovely Spag Bol – well nearly, instead the bird moving into the house blagged us to help her unload her shit for an hour and a half, then Hal cooked Spag Bol. After we smoke a lovely J in the hot tub and reflect on days gone by get to bed about 2. Sam seems to be wearing track suit trousers to bed, I question him about it. His answer is “no it’s a sleep suit” – “how gay I reply, might as well be wearing a nighty”. That’s rock n roll man.

21 August
Wake up with my phone ringing. Sam on the line, askin’ me lots of questions about flight No.s and addresses. Reckon he’s trying to wreck my head on purpose at 8 on a Monday mornin’ – not on!! Anyway, get up and sort my shit out, the next thing I’m at Heathrow, took 3 hours just to check in my luggage – pain in the arse – bloody inconsiderate terrorists. Flight leaves 2 hours late, good flight though, with Virgin. Nice munch and good CDs and funny programs on board. Sam and Anna pick me up from the airport about 9.30. Good to see him man, even if he is a bit of a bummer. Go straight to the Key Club on Sunset, been awake for about 26 hours, so well up for partying (not!). But have a couple of beers and an all chick AC DC tribute band come on – really good, well, for girls, but woke me up nonetheless. Then saw Metal Skool, fuckin’ well funny piss take band. Sexist and foul mouthed – just my cup of tea!! Then Stevo from Jack Ass and porn star Jesse James come on stage. He’s askin’ the crowd what do you wanna see, my dick or her tits? Bit of an empty question if you ask me, so predictably she gets her larrs out. Leave there about 1ish back to Shadow Hills for a quick reefa and some much needed sleep.

 

 

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